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DA Journal Entry 07/17/2015
3 min read
I normally try to steer myself away from negativity.
How’s that for an opening statement? Working with so many talented individuals during my time at Cedar Point, I start to feel inadequate. Negativity slowly starts to creep into my moods. I try to stay positive.
It doesn’t always work, though.
It’s been ages since I’ve felt creative. This Spring and Summer have been wonderful in that regard. I have been writing. I have been drawing. I have been creating.
Then, I go onto Etsy or DeviantArt or even Spoonflower.
I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to others who either get paid for their artwork or love their hobby so much that they are constantly working at it. It’s hard not to compare, though. I’m just getting back into the swing of things.
I feel that my artwork is inadequate. My sewing is better than some on Etsy, but I have hardly any projects finished. I don’t compare my stories with anyone mainly because they’re mine: my characters, my world, my work.
I want to finish some of my drawings. I want to finish my sewing projects. I want to write my stories.
I just can’t seem to find the time or focus.
Time. Such an annoying commodity. When you have tons of it, you laze about doing nothing. When you don’t have any, you try your hardest to make it so you do.
I can’t focus. It was never a problem when I was younger. I could work on something all day back then. Now, I can’t. There are too many distractions. Work, internet, pets, chores. There are more distractions than those few, but those seem to be the most difficult.
I bought myself a tablet. Not just so I could work on scheduling during my downtime, but so I could write. I’ve written maybe two or three pages to my update of A Different Path. It’s not even in a section that I could even post. It’s further into the story than I’ve written before. I want to completely redo the second chapter of The Chosen Ones. There’s too much inconsistency and not enough description. There is a distinct difference between my old writing style and my new writing style. Definitely not a good difference either. My writing is like that of a middle schooler.
They say your harshest critic is yourself. It’s definitely true.
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Of Dreams that are Bloody Puzzle Games
8 min read
Dreams of an extremely bloody video game, trying to survive an extremely haunted mansion make me wish I could get everything down. Disturbing, terrifying, and kinda fun.
My favorite part was "Lilliput." A "haunted" set of rooms for the group of children that hid in the puzzle "Secret Library."
It was basically what seemed like a simple walk-through of a haunted house. It wasn't actually child friendly, but made to seem so.
The level opened with a ghost child, the first ghostly child seen in the game, beckoning the group of children to follow. The group does, despite the group of adult survivors telling them not to leave the "Secret Library."
She, the ghost, leads the group of children in a roundabout way to the other end of the library, toward a set of bookshelves that now are stacked like stairs. Big stairs. The person playing the game was the last to come to the stairs. A smaller, but smart little girl. One of the oldest boys assisted her up the stairs, but left her to figure out how to cross an odd hole in the floorboards before "Lilliput."
She eventually made it across the gap into a well-lit waiting area. Around her were "older" versions of the haunted sets of rooms, showing how wallpaper could be misleading.
There were people still cleaning the area, live people. In the "Secret Library" there was a word locked bonus that the little girl found. A man, who was still living, appeared and asked her to repeat the word that unlocked the bonus. He then informed her that she had unlocked "Lilliput" but requested that she wait to go forth while he had the hired help clean the area.
One of the maids told her the group of children were already walking through the maze, but that she would be happy to escort her to the entrance.
The little girl gave her consent and started walking through the very narrow hallways of the maze. There are several instances of ghost children locked in the maze, trying to trip her up. I only remember one right off the top of my head. She was given a glass of water sometime around the fourth hallway and informed not to spill the cup. The next two hallways were full of jumpscares, but the girl managed to drink enough of the water, there was nothing about drinking it, that when her hand did crush the paper cup it rose only to the rim. After that the maid, that directed the girl to the entrance, appeared immediately after that and instructed the girl to follow.
The girl did, noticing the slightly cheery haunted maze was getting steadily darker. The maid fended off some of the children ghosts all while informing the girl that she made the children mad. They had wanted a new playmate. When she led the girl to the gap in the floor, she pushed her into it. The hole in the floor turned out to be full of goop, and the girl unable to get enough leverage to pull herself out.
There were other children there. Most of them ghosts, but two are from the group of children from the "Secret Library." In "Lilliput" one of the puzzles was a box lunch. The little girl had kept hers. She tossed pieces of it to the ghost children that were trying to pull her furthur into the goop. Suddenly, a hand appeared. It's the boy from the bookshelf staircase. He assisted by pulling her from the goop and far enough away from the gap. The other children begged for assistance, but the boy warned the girl that, if she got too close to the gap, she would be pulled into the gap, again.
The level ended with the boy and little girl continueing up a set of stone steps and joining the remainder of the group. They find the entrance to the "Maze."
There were other levels that involved adults. Some of them more disturbing than others.
"Rock Stars" was about making sure that a group of ghosts played their entire set on the stage. They had various excuses to not perform, ranging from drugs to murder.
There was "Breakfast Nook" which took place in the kitchen and breakfast parlour. It was about making food properly while dealing with distractions, and the fact that the door to the kitchen would lock in an unspecific amount of time. Mine ended with the guy's best friend sacrificing himself to push the guy you were playing and two other survivors out of the kitchen into the parlour. It ended with lots of blood.
The "Secret Library" was opened by an older teenage girl. She was randomly stating, "Open, please," in various languages to the bookcases. "Secret Library" was a certain set of tomes found in the proper order for the librarian. She gave a phrase to follow on a piece of paper. I believe it was a poem out of A.A. Milne's Now we are Six.
"There are lots and lots of people who are always asking things,
Like Dates and Pounds-and-ounces and the names of funny Kings,
And the answer's always Sixpence or A Hundred Inches Long.
And I know they'll think me silly if I get the answer wrong."
- Part of The Friend by A.A. Milne
Certain phrases were underlined and numbered to assist with finding them in proper order. Some, like the underlined "funny Kings" had various names written in the margin and needed to be found in the order of years reigned. There was a set of books that you were allowed to reference, without having to start over: an encyclopedia that had its volumes placed willy-nilly in the library. Their placement changed every time that you had to start over.
There was, of course, the bonus level, "Lilliput" found in a bookshelf by guessing "Open" in a foreign language to a certain shelf. Nothing too ghostly about "Secret Library" other than the librarian taking the last tome and vanishing through a bookcase. This particular bookcase, as informed by the owner of the mansion later, is the entrance to the "Maze." It is the adults' entrance, which lead me to believe that the adult survivors would eventually have to assist the children, if you were able to obtain "Lilliput."
"Poltergeist" was part of the main entryway, but I could never get very far. I'd only make it to the second landing before being hanged from the chandelier, when one of my companions would cut me loose. The characters for this level were a bunch of ghost hunters.
The rest are now vague impressions: a dressing room, the main entryway, a billiards room, bathroom, basement, an elevator, and the crown. The crown was the last puzzle I started, because "Poltergeist" was too difficult to figure out.
I just remember playing the older teen girl, going back and forth between the main entryway and "Secret Library." The crown itself was behind thick lockless glass in the entryway. The plaque below it stated that she needed the proper phrase. I woke up while searching the bookcases next to the crown.
The whole mansion was beautiful as it was dark and deadly. All dark woods and damask wallpaper, except for "Lilliput." It was decorated like a children's nursery. Parts of it looked decrepit, like the entryway's staircase and the ballroom, which I had not touched. There were ghost maids and real maids, a very handsome butler, the dashing owner of the mansion. The owner sometimes assisted with the puzzles by giving advice, though he would just randomly appear.
At certain times I was informed not to eat or drink the food in the area, like "Rock Stars" or "Breakfast Nook." Another I was informed not to leave the immediate area, "Secret Library" or "Breakfast Nook." I was informed that it would take multiple puzzle areas in order to finish some puzzles. There were bonus or secret levels that became available depending on how well or quickly a level was finished.
It was interesting, dark, and terrifying. I would definitely play it in real life, but I have no ability to even think about bringing it to light. I also don't think many people would be interested in it. Which is too bad, because it reminded me a lot of 7th Guest and Myst.
My favorite part was "Lilliput." A "haunted" set of rooms for the group of children that hid in the puzzle "Secret Library."
It was basically what seemed like a simple walk-through of a haunted house. It wasn't actually child friendly, but made to seem so.
The level opened with a ghost child, the first ghostly child seen in the game, beckoning the group of children to follow. The group does, despite the group of adult survivors telling them not to leave the "Secret Library."
She, the ghost, leads the group of children in a roundabout way to the other end of the library, toward a set of bookshelves that now are stacked like stairs. Big stairs. The person playing the game was the last to come to the stairs. A smaller, but smart little girl. One of the oldest boys assisted her up the stairs, but left her to figure out how to cross an odd hole in the floorboards before "Lilliput."
She eventually made it across the gap into a well-lit waiting area. Around her were "older" versions of the haunted sets of rooms, showing how wallpaper could be misleading.
There were people still cleaning the area, live people. In the "Secret Library" there was a word locked bonus that the little girl found. A man, who was still living, appeared and asked her to repeat the word that unlocked the bonus. He then informed her that she had unlocked "Lilliput" but requested that she wait to go forth while he had the hired help clean the area.
One of the maids told her the group of children were already walking through the maze, but that she would be happy to escort her to the entrance.
The little girl gave her consent and started walking through the very narrow hallways of the maze. There are several instances of ghost children locked in the maze, trying to trip her up. I only remember one right off the top of my head. She was given a glass of water sometime around the fourth hallway and informed not to spill the cup. The next two hallways were full of jumpscares, but the girl managed to drink enough of the water, there was nothing about drinking it, that when her hand did crush the paper cup it rose only to the rim. After that the maid, that directed the girl to the entrance, appeared immediately after that and instructed the girl to follow.
The girl did, noticing the slightly cheery haunted maze was getting steadily darker. The maid fended off some of the children ghosts all while informing the girl that she made the children mad. They had wanted a new playmate. When she led the girl to the gap in the floor, she pushed her into it. The hole in the floor turned out to be full of goop, and the girl unable to get enough leverage to pull herself out.
There were other children there. Most of them ghosts, but two are from the group of children from the "Secret Library." In "Lilliput" one of the puzzles was a box lunch. The little girl had kept hers. She tossed pieces of it to the ghost children that were trying to pull her furthur into the goop. Suddenly, a hand appeared. It's the boy from the bookshelf staircase. He assisted by pulling her from the goop and far enough away from the gap. The other children begged for assistance, but the boy warned the girl that, if she got too close to the gap, she would be pulled into the gap, again.
The level ended with the boy and little girl continueing up a set of stone steps and joining the remainder of the group. They find the entrance to the "Maze."
There were other levels that involved adults. Some of them more disturbing than others.
"Rock Stars" was about making sure that a group of ghosts played their entire set on the stage. They had various excuses to not perform, ranging from drugs to murder.
There was "Breakfast Nook" which took place in the kitchen and breakfast parlour. It was about making food properly while dealing with distractions, and the fact that the door to the kitchen would lock in an unspecific amount of time. Mine ended with the guy's best friend sacrificing himself to push the guy you were playing and two other survivors out of the kitchen into the parlour. It ended with lots of blood.
The "Secret Library" was opened by an older teenage girl. She was randomly stating, "Open, please," in various languages to the bookcases. "Secret Library" was a certain set of tomes found in the proper order for the librarian. She gave a phrase to follow on a piece of paper. I believe it was a poem out of A.A. Milne's Now we are Six.
"There are lots and lots of people who are always asking things,
Like Dates and Pounds-and-ounces and the names of funny Kings,
And the answer's always Sixpence or A Hundred Inches Long.
And I know they'll think me silly if I get the answer wrong."
- Part of The Friend by A.A. Milne
Certain phrases were underlined and numbered to assist with finding them in proper order. Some, like the underlined "funny Kings" had various names written in the margin and needed to be found in the order of years reigned. There was a set of books that you were allowed to reference, without having to start over: an encyclopedia that had its volumes placed willy-nilly in the library. Their placement changed every time that you had to start over.
There was, of course, the bonus level, "Lilliput" found in a bookshelf by guessing "Open" in a foreign language to a certain shelf. Nothing too ghostly about "Secret Library" other than the librarian taking the last tome and vanishing through a bookcase. This particular bookcase, as informed by the owner of the mansion later, is the entrance to the "Maze." It is the adults' entrance, which lead me to believe that the adult survivors would eventually have to assist the children, if you were able to obtain "Lilliput."
"Poltergeist" was part of the main entryway, but I could never get very far. I'd only make it to the second landing before being hanged from the chandelier, when one of my companions would cut me loose. The characters for this level were a bunch of ghost hunters.
The rest are now vague impressions: a dressing room, the main entryway, a billiards room, bathroom, basement, an elevator, and the crown. The crown was the last puzzle I started, because "Poltergeist" was too difficult to figure out.
I just remember playing the older teen girl, going back and forth between the main entryway and "Secret Library." The crown itself was behind thick lockless glass in the entryway. The plaque below it stated that she needed the proper phrase. I woke up while searching the bookcases next to the crown.
The whole mansion was beautiful as it was dark and deadly. All dark woods and damask wallpaper, except for "Lilliput." It was decorated like a children's nursery. Parts of it looked decrepit, like the entryway's staircase and the ballroom, which I had not touched. There were ghost maids and real maids, a very handsome butler, the dashing owner of the mansion. The owner sometimes assisted with the puzzles by giving advice, though he would just randomly appear.
At certain times I was informed not to eat or drink the food in the area, like "Rock Stars" or "Breakfast Nook." Another I was informed not to leave the immediate area, "Secret Library" or "Breakfast Nook." I was informed that it would take multiple puzzle areas in order to finish some puzzles. There were bonus or secret levels that became available depending on how well or quickly a level was finished.
It was interesting, dark, and terrifying. I would definitely play it in real life, but I have no ability to even think about bringing it to light. I also don't think many people would be interested in it. Which is too bad, because it reminded me a lot of 7th Guest and Myst.
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A Promise to Myself
3 min read
I decided that I would make a promise to myself:
I will make myself financially solvent before the end of the year.
How?
Well, the first thing is to get away from the two places that are causing much of my distress.
I now have every intention to return to Cedar Point, if only to get me away from the house, my mother, and away from my current employer.
I will be going through all of my current belongings to see what to keep, what to sell, and what to throw away or donate. I'm hoping that if I have enough to sell, that I can put some of the money in savings toward a vehicle. A vehicle is my top priority and if I can get it by selling figurines, games, and BJDs, I will do it.
I know I will have a tough time. I love to purchase things. It's something that I must keep under strict control now and in the future.
My mother informed me that if I left for Cedar Point, that I was not welcome to come back to the house, except to visit. I am fine with this. It means that I will have incentive to find an apartment, even if I have to pay months in advance.
If, and I do mean if, my current employer does extend my employment, I will be transferring to a different store. It is imperative that I be away from it. The environment is not healthy, and I feel bad for those who have to stay there.
I would like to thank everyone for their kind words. This situation is not ideal, nor is it easy. It is still nice to know that I have people that look out for me.
I came to a life decision very recently, as those at or near the age of 30 normally do, that I am not content with how my life is currently running. While I would love to get my degrees in graphic design or information technology, I don't think that either are my true calling. Sure I love to be creative. Sure I love to work with computers, whether it's software or hardware. I do know, however, that I love working with children. Now, I don't know if I'm cut out to be a teacher, but I would love to work with children in a different capacity.
I was informed that places like Cedar Fair Parks, Disney Parks, and various other entertainment companies need ladies and gentlemen with education degrees to run child-friendly shows and other child-friendly activities. I have experience doing both, but I have no degree. I intend to change that.
My goal, after becoming financially solvent, is to take childhood education courses.
I have a plan. I have a goal. I have every intention of following through with it.
Wish me luck!
PS. Why don't they have a mood thing for "determined"?
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Feeling the Strain
3 min read
The tightening of the ties started further back than August of 2013, but my car dying was the start of a major downward spiral.
My mother "borrowed" $200 from the $300 I got from the poor thing. Even though I hadn't driven it since early Spring, the car was in my name completely. She promised to pay me back for it.
I still haven't seen the money.
Not that $200 would really make a dent in my bills.
I was unemployed for about six months before I started back up at Cedar Point last March. While it wasn't completely my fault, I still fault myself about it. I put in multiple applications at various places. I didn't care what the pay was, as long as I had some form of income. Nothing. I should have sucked it up then and just worked at Castaway Bay.
Still, I kept hoping that someone would hire me. During this time I started getting calls, emails, and notices from bill collectors. I tried my best to stay up to date, but the money I put in my savings account for emergencies was soon gone. It didn't help that my mother kept calling on me for assistance. I understand helping by paying rent, which I did up until the end of December, but she was asking for more than just for rent. In the end it would have been cheaper to rent an apartment.
I had to sell two of my favorite ball-jointed dolls just to pay bills for her. Not even including my bills. I'm over $10,000 in debt now. I tried my best this past Summer and Fall to get more than up to date, as well as saving for a car. Well, now I'm at least four spaces behind square one and I have no car. A car isn't even a glimmer in the near future. Not with her borrowing more money than I make in a pay period.
It's gotten to the point where I just don't expect anything back from her. I gave her what was in my 401 K. I gave her money for rent. I allowed her, my father, and my brother the use of my CAR!
I really just want to leave. I don't even know where to go, though. My credit is now completely shot. I'm working less than thirty hours a week because they've cut hours. I have no mode of transportation.
This whole place is so full of negativity. It's crushing me! I don't feel creative. The depression is starting to eat at me. I can't even look on the bright side of things anymore. I'm just about ready to give up.
Even my sister can't wait to bail. She's counting the days until she's back working at Cedar Point, and she has no intention of returning.
I have no bright hope like that. I have no place to go! I'm fairly certain that even if I sold everything I own, she would snatch that up, too.
For the record, I am not contemplating suicide. I'm contemplating shutting myself off from everything and everyone. If they can't meet certain expectations, I'm just not going to care any more.
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Feels like Forever!
4 min read
Hey! It's been forever. Or it seems like forever, rather...
Updates galore, here!
I was unemployed until the middle of April, when Cedar Point hired me back as a costume character and costume shop stitch-er. Let me tell you, that was the most mind-numbing, but fingernail-biting time of my life. I was deeply depressed. I tried to force out my inner optimist. I know that I wasn't the only one with problems, but being unable to pay bills really does take a toll. I'm still not entirely back on track, but I'm definitely working on it,
During that time I had to sell two of my favorite ball-jointed dolls (Analise and Bailey) and various other things. That really bummed me, but I figure when I'm back on track, I'll be able to repurchase them. Same names and everything. The other stuff wasn't really anything I needed so I'm not too sad to part with it.
When the middle of May started, I officially started as one of the Peanuts. This year was fun, hectic, and weirdly annoying. Too much drama. Sadly, that's what happens when you put a large group of females together in a tiny, air-conditioned room. Kinda bummed, because I didn't get to take as many pictures as last year.
Enjoyed my birthday with my friends and co-workers at Kalahari Water Park and Resort in Sandusky. I normally don't celebrate my birthday, but it was worth it.
My car died and was sold in early August, so I currently have no mode of transportation.
The main season for Cedar Point finished in early September. I don't have regular character work, because the park closed during the week. I work in the costume shop during the weekdays. I assist in making costumes and the upkeep of the "Friendly" Monsters. I also assist the woman in charge of the costumes for the Screamsters, when she needs it.
I auditioned for Disney as a costume character on the 8th of October. Sadly, I didn't make it past the first cut. It was fun, though. I would definitely audition, again.
These last two weekends during Halloweekends, I stood in for the girl who is the Karaoke Host. She had a previous engagement and they needed someone to host. It was nice. I wish they had hired me for host. I auditioned for the position. Oh, well...
There are only two more weekends for Halloweekends. I'm sad, yet kinda relieved.
Why relieved? It means that I will now have time and room to work on projects.
What kind of projects?
* Fourth of July Jumperskirt (Minnie Mouse dress for Halloween.)
* Black Cat Strut (Uploading the design in multiple colors to Spoonflower and getting samples printed.)
* Very Belated Wedding Present for Paprika-Studios.
* Nurse Lindsay Cosplay (Magical Girl Theme.)
* Random Drawings and Art
* To Dreams and Back comic
* Christmas Presents!
Of course, all those will be worked on while I job search. I refuse to be jobless! Even if I have to just start an Etsy shop for doll clothes or something, I will make sure to have some form of income.
Well, that's all for right now. I'll try to keep everything more up-to-date, but that depends on how absorbed I get into projects and future job positions.
Updates galore, here!
I was unemployed until the middle of April, when Cedar Point hired me back as a costume character and costume shop stitch-er. Let me tell you, that was the most mind-numbing, but fingernail-biting time of my life. I was deeply depressed. I tried to force out my inner optimist. I know that I wasn't the only one with problems, but being unable to pay bills really does take a toll. I'm still not entirely back on track, but I'm definitely working on it,
During that time I had to sell two of my favorite ball-jointed dolls (Analise and Bailey) and various other things. That really bummed me, but I figure when I'm back on track, I'll be able to repurchase them. Same names and everything. The other stuff wasn't really anything I needed so I'm not too sad to part with it.
When the middle of May started, I officially started as one of the Peanuts. This year was fun, hectic, and weirdly annoying. Too much drama. Sadly, that's what happens when you put a large group of females together in a tiny, air-conditioned room. Kinda bummed, because I didn't get to take as many pictures as last year.
Enjoyed my birthday with my friends and co-workers at Kalahari Water Park and Resort in Sandusky. I normally don't celebrate my birthday, but it was worth it.
My car died and was sold in early August, so I currently have no mode of transportation.
The main season for Cedar Point finished in early September. I don't have regular character work, because the park closed during the week. I work in the costume shop during the weekdays. I assist in making costumes and the upkeep of the "Friendly" Monsters. I also assist the woman in charge of the costumes for the Screamsters, when she needs it.
I auditioned for Disney as a costume character on the 8th of October. Sadly, I didn't make it past the first cut. It was fun, though. I would definitely audition, again.
These last two weekends during Halloweekends, I stood in for the girl who is the Karaoke Host. She had a previous engagement and they needed someone to host. It was nice. I wish they had hired me for host. I auditioned for the position. Oh, well...
There are only two more weekends for Halloweekends. I'm sad, yet kinda relieved.
Why relieved? It means that I will now have time and room to work on projects.
What kind of projects?
* Fourth of July Jumperskirt (Minnie Mouse dress for Halloween.)
* Black Cat Strut (Uploading the design in multiple colors to Spoonflower and getting samples printed.)
* Very Belated Wedding Present for Paprika-Studios.
* Nurse Lindsay Cosplay (Magical Girl Theme.)
* Random Drawings and Art
* To Dreams and Back comic
* Christmas Presents!
Of course, all those will be worked on while I job search. I refuse to be jobless! Even if I have to just start an Etsy shop for doll clothes or something, I will make sure to have some form of income.
Well, that's all for right now. I'll try to keep everything more up-to-date, but that depends on how absorbed I get into projects and future job positions.
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